I've erased and started over six times now. I promised that I'd make these entries that I still feel so compelled to do into letters to my daughter, but this one feels more like it's for my benefit. I can't ... ... cram two weeks worth of two thousand years all into one frenzied scribble of thought, but I'll try. I haven't really had a restful night's sleep since I've arrived. I haven't really spoken to anyone in my Band unless they've hunted me down. I haven't really done anything but attempt to make up for two hundred (two thousand) years of getting it wrong when I just want to get it right. I'm wearing so many roles now that demand my upmost attention that I think I'm losing myself. Mother, lover, daughter, queen, wife, advisor ... I've neglected friend enough that when I don that one it's just a confused mask staring back at me from the mirror.
Rhiannon hasn't always been my name. It was a moniker I donned when I fled from my past last. I changed names like a fashionista changed clothes; constantly. Each name was a new identity for me that I'd bury into to forget everything. And for a while it'd work; until Anann found me and drug me back into destiny whether I wanted to go or not.
Destiny. Tal thinks the issue with Hathor and Horus is bad? At least Ben's father is letting him have that choice. That rebellion. My arranged marriage was sealed the moment I was born. I opened my eyes and locked bleary babe eyes with the ancient stare of my future intended and fast forward two hundred years of fighting and running and sadistic desire to see the other snap.
I need a starting point or I'm just going to erase this one as well. Right. The dinner party. The one that the Morrigan in her Matron guise had been planning for nights. The night I really tapped into my unhealthy desire to push Anann just that step further. She had already burned through my will to make sure that Enech wouldn't have the ability to demand anything of me because every sense would have her imprint branded over it. I ... demanded release from her knowing full well she couldn't deny it because of that dark rapacious need. She did and then promptly took me in a way that made damned sure I remembered why the Morrigu was a goddess that you prayed not to visit you - but to never step into your life. She spoke ritual and claimed me as the mother of her heir and then stalked out to leave me with that knowledge alone.
It took Ann, dear sweet Ann who's been there since the very beginning; from that first innocent kiss to now ... to convince me not to run this time. I could hear cars pulling up and Tal's voice carrying over the wind as she talked to someone in that tone that brooked no compromise and all I really wanted to do was hide. I didn't. I stayed in that room as Ann took on my appearance and covered for me as the Matron returned and apologized. Then, by the laws of the land that she and I both loved so much; she claimed me as her wife. Two hundred years of running away from fate and it finally called for it's due.
The Morrigan and I arrived late to a tense dinner where all sides were just waiting for the sword of Damocles to drop and .... suddenly? Suddenly I didn't care about Ben's childish retorts to his father for some slight or other I didn't understand (to be fair, I still don't; even with knowing the why ... but I respect Ben's decision. After all, I fled from fate.) I didn't care that my reprimand almost cost me that meeting. I didn't care that Rupper attempted to soothe his own conscious by clearing himself of all blame. -He- was the righteous one? Please. If your friends are all jumping off a cliff and you follow ... it's your own fucking fault you dash on the rocks below with them.
The only thing I cared about in that meeting was making sure that the Greeks ddin't get My Band as their fall guys for breaking the oath to protect the Shabti. They lapsed at every turn and when it came time to pay the piper? They were grasping for loans that they couldn't afford. And I succeeded. Partly. At the least, Artemis' deadly attention would be focused on the Shabti and in that I knew my father was the best choice for Kathy.
Oh, that reminds me. When we get the chance, Wuyi and I need to head down to Fruit-Flower Mountain and just spend some time with Wukong. He's a great father to Wuyi, always wanting her to see herself as awesome as he is and ... he's nutters but I can see in him what draws me so to Wuyi. 'course now we have to study on River Dragons and if Sharks can have lasers on their head. Moving on before that distracts me too much...
Then, everything changed. That final week was ... is ...where I can say I finally stopped running. The Morrigu angered my father by refusing the handfasting ceramony when he wanted it (the moment she 'got you heavy with child!' in his opinion) but then held me close under the sprawling oak and welcomed me as a Queen alongside her. She bound me in old contract with spirit and land, and ritually dedicated me to her kingdom and while it was not the unbreakable bonds of Enech, it was enough to tide us over. She gave me a ring, a promise from her to me that she'd crafted as a gift and then we talked for a long... long time.
She told me why she bought my memories and why she was so adamant on forcing the Greeks back into the war; and then when I asked her if she had moved on when I died she went quiet, and then answered. It was to free me, in time, from my duty as Kathy's warden. I ... Anann ...oh what did she say, I know I remember it. Ah: Seven years and I didn't even touch another out of duty. Oh don't flatter yourself entirely, at some point I would... have to move on, but I didn't. Not while I knew your ghost was still down there performing a duty so vitally important. I could wait. I did wait. I dedicated myself to winning the war in your name so that I could lift the burden from your shoulders and have you join me... even if it was as a spirit. ...
I'm paraphrasing, but there. Anann's devotion to me and... I bawled like a bloody baby and I realized why Anann couldn't Handfast with me under Enech. Not yet. Not until her vow to pulling the Greeks back into the fight and releasing me from my pact was complete. So that's ... that's why I'm going to suck down my terrible pride and act like the leader I've accused Ben of slacking off as. When a Goddess as ... powerful as Anann vows to win a war to have you back by her side,even if it means fighting it single-handedly ... well, it makes a girl feel like the center of the universe.
Afterwards, we were happy. I was happy. Sure, she kept finding perverse pleasure making sure I'd end the nights without energy; prodding at my will until I'd rebel or snark and then strip it away with a teasing smirk. Any sane person would see this as a little unhealthy, a little too possessive and obsessive and altogether bound for ruin but it's who we are. We fight terribly still but now we make the effort to fix it ... ... ... of course her idea of fixing it was caving into my desire to see her take Wuyi and now we have a lesser Queen-Consort (who am I kidding, Anann'll never let her go past Princess-Consort) and everything's awkward to balance but it's going to work out.
However, if either of them expect me to go along with the very idea that we're having more than one child each? They're fucking insane. Anann even dared to mention thirty. THIRTY! She was joking, that much I could tell through the ring's bond but ... she's a goddess of strife and chaos. And I know her. Evil wenshahariiasdasrq
[The date log of the continued draft is twelve hours after the first draft was saved]
I'm the one labeled as insatiable and she's the one that pounces in the middle of the night. Little Miss Librarian "I Have Planning That Can't Be Disturbed" likes to play that she's above all the shenanigans of her younger 'sisters' but I now have bruises and a torn nighty to prove otherwise! Can't blame her though, Nikita ...something or other arrived today and that tall dark drink of Baron Samedi's son is our contact for getting into Egypt. He doesn't trigger Enech but he's got a command about him that's intriguing -- not appealing, just ... I'd like to see how he meshes in with the band. Also, a blonde lawyer by the name of Chastity isn't fooling anyone.
Where was I? Oh. Right. Nikita's here because Horus and Ben are so father-and-son that even though they're both dicking the other over, they're still cooperating. It's like being back at court all over again. You can hate your family, but they're still family and all that jazz. We're leaving for Cairo within two days or so to see what we can do to figure out who the hell is fucking around with Ben's sigil. It'll be good to stretch my legs again and the Nile is the perfect backdrop for Mythic's first photo-shoot. Hell, maybe I'll ask Tal to pose in that armor she's prancing around in. We may not be on speaking terms but it's hot enough to melt butter - that's all I'll say without a jealous wife attacking4539sfllasd
[Two hours later, the draft's timestamp is updated]
I'm not going to be able to walk again. Wuyi can piggy-back me everywhere. I don't care if she's knocked up too, she's not the one that's being assaulted injustly every time she turns a corner. Ah well ... I only have a night or two more to spend with my wife. Wives? ...Hah. Wimmens. I'm the pimp, they're my bitches. I should get to my spousal duty of 'shagging the wife(wives) senseless) and wait until the right moment to see if I can convince Anann to reprimand me for that little bit of cheekiness I had during the interview. She comes up with the most delightful punishments.
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