Love Hurts

They say you can't recall anything before you hit about three or four. Consciously. Subconciously, that has to be bullshit because how would the treatments of their parents and environments shape infants? Exactly.

My first memory, thanks to The Morrigan's vanity, was opening my eyes and meeting her gaze and knowing, honest to the gods knowing that come hell or high water, that woman would shape my entire destiny.

That's not always a good thing.

Soulmates; fated lovers; star-crossed ... whatever name you want to slap over the phenomena ... strips you of free will. Sure, you could live your life the way you want; bind yourself to who you desire; forge whatever path you think you can blaze ... but there's this gaping hole. This incessant itch that you can never scratch. It's a painful fire that flares in your very blood. It doesn't care what you think you feel -- it's always there. It eclipses everything.

I hated Anann in the beginning. Well, a little after it; when the Maiden twisted the geas of my father to make sure I would never be satisfied in another relationship. If I wouldn't be happy with her, then I would be happy with no one. That was the first phase. Then the Matron got involved. She stalked me, hounded me in combat, taunted me in the social area. She made my life a living hell. My sleep was torn between her throwing me into dreams of sexual deviancy that I wanted and refused all at the same time; and the nightmares where she threw all my weaknesses against me.

The only way to stop the torment was to give in. So I did. And for a little while ... a couple of months here, a year there, a decade here ... things were ...balanced. Neutral. But it always failed and then I would have stretches of my life to pretend that I didn't need her like a heroin habit I couldn't shake.

She always returned when I started a new romance and if I refused her, then we were back to the torments. The stalking. The dreams. If I caved in too early she would deny me. If I caved in too late, the resulting period of togetherness was built on the ups and downs of lust.

There were moments in our life where there was honest companionship. The last time I came back was one of the times I think we were close to what could be considered a happy relationship. That, of course, ended horribly as well. Her punishment that time? My death.

I hate her. Yet I love her too. It's twisted like a noose about our necks and there's nothing we can do to slip it. So this time I chose to stop fighting. I gave into the endgame. I battled fate for two hundred years and I ... was tired. Anann swooped in not barely a week after my return to life and gave me the choice to join her again.

I didn't even have my fucking memories and I chose her. Like she would have let me walk away. Even now, she is chosen over everything. If it came down to it ... I would pick Anann over our daughters. I have to pick Anann. Like I said, she's a habit I can never quit.

...

But if I was going back then I was bringing something that wasn't hers, that couldn't be tainted by her. I was selfish and demanded that Wuyi be allowed within whatever circle Anann and I fought in and the goddess agreed. I wish she had refused. Wuyi should have called me out, cleanly breaking it there. Because all I'm doing now is repeating the cycle but there's a difference.

Wuyi's not forced to be here. She doesn't have that horrible craving that makes you place everything else as unimportant, as second class, as worthless compared to what Fate's decided. She doesn't have to endure the emotional crueltly, the neglect, the withholding of affection as punishment. She can live a happy life with who she chooses without having to always know that she'll always want something else.

I am selfish. I kept her close, guarded her like a treasure to be safekept and admired. She was mine. It was all my choice and there was nothing Fate nor Anann could do anything about. But slowly, it started to wither. Not on her part, gods no. Wuyi's still a bright star just waiting to be given her night's sky. She still is ...

But this series of failures, the fears that Hypnos threw on us ... the collapse of the geode, my decision that may kill us all... Wuyi's catch 22 that wasn't her fault... it tarnished her, just for a little bit. And I rubbed that dirt in further. I made sure she knew my displeasure at her failures and I watched the brightness dim. I watched the pedestal she placed me on crack.

...

I'm making the choice to save her. She deserves better than me. Hell, no God's worthy of her inexhaustible kindness and love and she deserves someone who can look at her and only her. I can't give her that promise. So I'm going to be selfless ... just this once ... and force her to leave on her own accord before she's too broken to go. I think that's the only way I can love her the way she's meant to be loved.

See? Look at that. Even by loving her enough to let her go, I'm going to ruin a part of her.

Love fucking hurts.

Morning After

I hate fighting with myself.

No. I don't mean battling it out with my conscience. I don't mean trying to stifle that voice in the back of my head as I overindulge on one sin or another.

I mean honest fighting. Low voices that cut like razors to make sure the girls don't wake up as we square off in the mansion. I'm the patient aspect and even I sneer my lip when I see one of the other two. We're not divided like Anann. There's no actual separation of women here. It's all window dressing, shifts of dominant personality types to make us seem like we're different when we're still the exact same person.

And right now, I don't like who I see in the mirror. Down the hall. Crooning to the children. Cuddled up tight on the couch. It would be easier if I was still one physical aspect. That way I could avoid catching my own eyes and feeling the shame bubble up inside.

It will fade. Soon. The Morrigan may be the highest maintenance spouse to ever exist... Seriously, spiders in my shower when I let the water heater run out on one of her showers ... not that I did so deliberately to hear her shriek. Look, she married the sidhe, she's supposed to deal with whimsical acts of torture and merriment. It was in our contract.

Gods.

Look, where was I? Oh. Right. She's a pain in my ass ... but she's there when it counts with a variant of tough love and bolstering my reassurances by inviting over Welsh Princesses with huge (fake) breasts and proceeding to fawn over me instead, only giving our guest the proper amount of hospitality. She also did it because when I'm jealous, she gets laid.

I've mentioned that she's very self-serving, right?

Anyway. I'm still trying to process what happened right after the Keepers ... ugh. The Formorians -- damn it. They have me calling them by their whitewashed name now. The FORMORIANS shattered the dreamscape, throwing all of us back into reality. Right when we promised to give Hypnos a seed to symbolize our apologies for the insanity we pulled back in Hades.

Rhia was thrust back into the fight, and while we ... I ... experience everything at once, I can tune out when something's distracting me from trying to survive. Sorta. It's a jumbled, chaotic mess until I can sit down and focus. I ... well, the 'middle sister' was thrust back to the mansion.

I had fallen asleep on the way to the kitchen. I was fetching something and Anann had been by my side commenting on one auction or another. At least shag carpeting was soft. Anann was still in the process of waking up when I realized that the girls were unattended.

Dream have a way of distorting reality. I had hoped that we'd been asleep for only a couple of hours. I was wrong. Two weeks had passed by. Two weeks of the girls without their mothers. Fifteen of us, the girls visited early so they would have the best chance at survival ... and Hypnos finds the way to ruin us all.

That's why I'm eternally grateful to Da. I found him watching over the girls, that comforting scent of sea and ranch rushing over me as I thank him over and over again. That act right there (minus leaving me on the floor to 'accidently' step on... stupid fey.) washes away Hypnos' fantasy of Fand becoming the perfect mother.

I don't need to write down what Anann and I did. That's just assumed at this point. Like breathing. Or ... y'know... no, yeah. I have to breathe and I have to pounce Anann. Two integral needs of my existence.

Speaking of needing to breathe. Excuse me.

Bad Dreams

I don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened in Hypnos' ... hospitality yet. There's far too many open wounds and painful fantasies that I'm not willing to face with anything beyond anguished self-reflection.

Instead, I'll talk about the current status of the, well, the side-project my 'Crone' aspect is working on while my Maiden-aspect was exploring the wilds of Mexico.

We're close to discovering something big - that's for certain. All the civilizations talk about the lost city sunk beneath the waves. Atlantis, Ys, Lemuria ... I don't know if there's many or just the one, but the longer Anna and I burn the midnight oil, the more assured I become that I'm on the trail of discovering what the hell happened to them.

Anann says that if I manage to win the city, it'll be mine. My own kingdom where I am not a Queen-Consort, but a Queen in her own right. I'm not sure if that's truly what I want but a year ago all I wanted was my memories and the knowledge of who I was.

Now? ...I want to kidnap Hypnos to make him my personal dream-slave or... destroy him for giving me a glimpse of a future I'll never have. What he did to all of us ... we didn't deserve this. The tribulations of Hades were the faults of the Dodekathenoi, not us.

Goddess, damn that child-god to hell.