They say you can't recall anything before you hit about three or four. Consciously. Subconciously, that has to be bullshit because how would the treatments of their parents and environments shape infants? Exactly.
My first memory, thanks to The Morrigan's vanity, was opening my eyes and meeting her gaze and knowing, honest to the gods knowing that come hell or high water, that woman would shape my entire destiny.
That's not always a good thing.
Soulmates; fated lovers; star-crossed ... whatever name you want to slap over the phenomena ... strips you of free will. Sure, you could live your life the way you want; bind yourself to who you desire; forge whatever path you think you can blaze ... but there's this gaping hole. This incessant itch that you can never scratch. It's a painful fire that flares in your very blood. It doesn't care what you think you feel -- it's always there. It eclipses everything.
I hated Anann in the beginning. Well, a little after it; when the Maiden twisted the geas of my father to make sure I would never be satisfied in another relationship. If I wouldn't be happy with her, then I would be happy with no one. That was the first phase. Then the Matron got involved. She stalked me, hounded me in combat, taunted me in the social area. She made my life a living hell. My sleep was torn between her throwing me into dreams of sexual deviancy that I wanted and refused all at the same time; and the nightmares where she threw all my weaknesses against me.
The only way to stop the torment was to give in. So I did. And for a little while ... a couple of months here, a year there, a decade here ... things were ...balanced. Neutral. But it always failed and then I would have stretches of my life to pretend that I didn't need her like a heroin habit I couldn't shake.
She always returned when I started a new romance and if I refused her, then we were back to the torments. The stalking. The dreams. If I caved in too early she would deny me. If I caved in too late, the resulting period of togetherness was built on the ups and downs of lust.
There were moments in our life where there was honest companionship. The last time I came back was one of the times I think we were close to what could be considered a happy relationship. That, of course, ended horribly as well. Her punishment that time? My death.
I hate her. Yet I love her too. It's twisted like a noose about our necks and there's nothing we can do to slip it. So this time I chose to stop fighting. I gave into the endgame. I battled fate for two hundred years and I ... was tired. Anann swooped in not barely a week after my return to life and gave me the choice to join her again.
I didn't even have my fucking memories and I chose her. Like she would have let me walk away. Even now, she is chosen over everything. If it came down to it ... I would pick Anann over our daughters. I have to pick Anann. Like I said, she's a habit I can never quit.
...
But if I was going back then I was bringing something that wasn't hers, that couldn't be tainted by her. I was selfish and demanded that Wuyi be allowed within whatever circle Anann and I fought in and the goddess agreed. I wish she had refused. Wuyi should have called me out, cleanly breaking it there. Because all I'm doing now is repeating the cycle but there's a difference.
Wuyi's not forced to be here. She doesn't have that horrible craving that makes you place everything else as unimportant, as second class, as worthless compared to what Fate's decided. She doesn't have to endure the emotional crueltly, the neglect, the withholding of affection as punishment. She can live a happy life with who she chooses without having to always know that she'll always want something else.
I am selfish. I kept her close, guarded her like a treasure to be safekept and admired. She was mine. It was all my choice and there was nothing Fate nor Anann could do anything about. But slowly, it started to wither. Not on her part, gods no. Wuyi's still a bright star just waiting to be given her night's sky. She still is ...
But this series of failures, the fears that Hypnos threw on us ... the collapse of the geode, my decision that may kill us all... Wuyi's catch 22 that wasn't her fault... it tarnished her, just for a little bit. And I rubbed that dirt in further. I made sure she knew my displeasure at her failures and I watched the brightness dim. I watched the pedestal she placed me on crack.
...
I'm making the choice to save her. She deserves better than me. Hell, no God's worthy of her inexhaustible kindness and love and she deserves someone who can look at her and only her. I can't give her that promise. So I'm going to be selfless ... just this once ... and force her to leave on her own accord before she's too broken to go. I think that's the only way I can love her the way she's meant to be loved.
See? Look at that. Even by loving her enough to let her go, I'm going to ruin a part of her.
Love fucking hurts.
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