Letters to nowhere...

Fiona,

Well, if I'm going to have a parasitic hellspawn feasting off my innards to grow into a squaling anklebiter, it needs a name, right? Right. And it needs some ...record of what happens. It also needs to know where it comes from, sorry. That's gonna be hard. Lemme start again.

Fiona. You won't see this until I, or one of your other mothers, deem you ready to really understand what happened before you were born, and while you grew up. There'll be times when we might have to ... leave you. Keep you somewhere safe where you'll wonder why we've abandoned you and if you weren't good enough. This... those times will hurt but I hope that this log of everything that will have occurred since the very moment of your conception will be enough of a leave for your forgiven.

I assure you, by the end of this, there may be some 'ew, Mother' moments because I'll try not to go into detail but really, your mothers? Bunch of insatiable women who can't get enough of me. I hope you inherit that. Your mother's mind, but my smokin' good looks.

I'll probably be...hmm. This is harder than I thought. The relationship with my own mother, with your grandmother Fand? It's horrible. I won't know what comes in the future, but ... at this moment? As long as I'm out of sight and mind, she couldn't care more. She didn't want me. She didn't want anything to do with me, but darling ... I swear that's not what'll happen to you.

You're going to enter into a world where everyone's looking forward to seeing you. I've got nine months of you completely screwing over my body and I'm still eager to see if you've got my hair, or Ann's eyes, or if you're going to even have some quirk of Wuyi's because she's just got a knack for dealing with children in the womb.

Gods, you're going to come into an interesting dynamic. For one, there's me. Right now I'm being forced to watch a Project Runway marathon, listening to your biological ... hmm. Ok. Anann. I'm listening to Anann critquing the contestants. That's another thing. Your mother, Anann. She's an ancient triumrivate goddess who may or may not be the most mysterious woman you'll meet, but she loves you. She wanted you so much that there may have been a little trickery to spawn you. Finally, you'll have Wuyi. She'll probably be the sane one you'll get along with. At least, she's the most normal of us all.

That and you are no bastard child. In the old ways, the ways of my birth and heritage, you are the daughter of a marriage oath. A faerie marriage oath, but that's because we Sidhe are so perfect. At everything.

You were conceived during the week or so we unwound from the problems of nflitrating and destroying partly the Keeper Facility in New York. Unlike other children, I know exactly when you were created. You, my little hellspawn, were the reason why Anann had to create a fourth aspect of herself to wander around a party filled to the brim with guests that lit up any invite list. Heh, the Maiden aspect of your mother had to sneak around looking like me because, and here's an 'ew' moment for you, but a triple sexual foray with your mother when I swear the the heavens I was just trying to get dressed will always leave me unable to walk for the next hour or so.

Oh. And dear? Never give the Matron aspect of Anann, the one who'll you'll see and think is the most beautiful mother of all of us, any cheeky orders overt or subtle unless you want to wind up doing punishment. Of course, by the time you read this... and if you're anything like me (goddess, I hope you are), you'll know that little quirk by then. I apologize ahead of time.

At least you probably won't have the embarrassing nickname that we have for Wuyi. I wonder if 'Bunny Dolphin' will still ring as delightful then as it does now. Or if harpies and art studios will still be as romantic a bonding subject as it is now.

Right. The party. Hobnob of elite guests ranging from satyrs, nymphs, fauns and a delightful badger who had the most delightful accent. Anann's known for her get-togethers. Well, the Matron aspect. The Maiden (the one who'll love you the best and she'll never, ever leave you alone I can feel that) doesn't care for them. And your eldest mother thinks they're droll, but a good social experiment.

Wuyi looked amazing in her cultural dress. The rest of your mother's crazy friends looked dashing too. Your Uncle Rupper crashed out of a window when his father, Dionysus and D's guest Artemis arrived. And then, as they walked off discussing booze-induced stories, the father of your Uncle Ben arrived.

He was accompanied by a very attractive woman with a bulls-horns symbol. I knew right away who she was... Anann quizzed me on the list before hand so I wouldn't miss a guest. She's picky. You'll learn that. Well! Horus and Hathor arrived and, thing of things, demanded that Ben leave your Aunt Tal. Leave a marriage of love, for a marriage of hono--

I'm caught. Your mother's glaring at me and has stopped rattling of all the reasons why she thinks Tim Gunn is a scion of Ogam (the sly dog). I have to attend to her or she'll pout. You'll see how it is. I'll go into the boring details of the party when I've done my wifey-duties.

Before I stop though. I don't know what our relationship will be like when you read this. Or even if Anann, Wuyi, and I will be together, or even if I'm alive. But know this: Right now? Right when you're just a bundle of cells and your mother's Matron Aspect is acting like a schoolgirl crushing on the girl she's dropping frogs on? And your Maiden mother and Wuyi are crazy balls of insanity and love? And your Crone Mother is pursing her lips at the utter foolishness of drama and pettiness?

You're loved. So much.

Love, Actually

A relationship with a Goddess, even a triple-Goddess such as the Morrigan is pretty much the same as courting the pretty girl working the graveyard shift down at the corner diner. Or the affulent business woman. Or, well, any woman. There's your ups, and your downs and I'm pretty sure I just worked in a sex joke. Hah.

Even courting a Goddess who has some hand in the weaving, bestowing, and cutting of fate should be like courting any other woman. Except when fate has had a strong role in one's relationship. And fate decrees that it'll end, as it always has before.

And that's the hardest thing to accept. I'm lying here, unable to sleep because I still need to connect the past few weeks with the past few centuries. The two me's aren't much different but I can't find it in myself to really delve into my past. Not when it's killing me that Anann's waiting for me to leave again even as she clings tight to me, even in sleep.

And it's always me who leaves. I left the Isle when she first proclaimed she loved me, back when the Roman empire wasn't yet divided. I left when we reuited in Tir Na Nog, after I had been bruised and battered in my first true fight. At every moment in history, we'd collide together and it would be this whirlwind of expectations and emotions until I was departing in the cold light of morning. Rinse and repeat gods know how many times.

Even the last time, when we traveled together for a decade and it looked like fate's warning was just a howl on the wind ... it had been more of a romance that most mortal couples will ever achieve and I still left. For the last time. I don't blame her for not wanting to see rejection a final time.

And yet, seven years later ... she's there again. Waiting for me to say yes (because it's fated I will) even though she believes I'll be gone some indeterminate time in the future. I know she probably believes it'll be Wuyi who steals me this time, but she's wrong.

The journey from the Underworld to here cemented Wuyi's place in my life, yes, and I love her. But she's not my soulmate... and that is such a cheesey word. A downside to writing in English. I'll manage.

It's not that she's innocent in this, no. She's a Goddess-Queen and it took a hundred years of  my living before she could even consider me something more than... well. Her youthful aspect and I have never really had trouble . It's why I think I was drawn to Wuyi. Don't tell either of them, but they're ...entirely alike. Full of life, energy, love.

I rambled off-topic there. Mm. My point is... my point is that even though Anann thinks that this is just another notch in our shared history she's still ... gods... doing everything right. She's willing to compromise on the magazine company I'm going to found. She's never done that before; given me command. And although her reasoning for accepting it was a little ... ok, it was arrogant and it did cause my pride some pain, I didn't snap back. I did steal one of the skirts she'd been looking at (and found it back in her bags when we got home, the thief!)

Beyond that, the past few days have been magical. Between the bouts of undescribable pleasure, just basking in her company was enough to keep a silly grin plastered to my face. It'll probably turn lewd when Wuyi wakes up from the sex-coma that young Anann put her in. At least that seems to have gone well; if Wuyi can connect with any Aspect, it'll be Ann.

Anann's stirring so I'll have to reflect on my personal past later, and then once the Band all regroups, I'll reflect on that meeting too.

As to her fears towards Fate... well, the final aspect of the trio stated it better than I ever could: "You passed on from this world, my love. More than almost any other I know that when people die at their fated time there is nothing even the Reaper may do to bring them back. And yet here you are, lying in my lap, listening to my stories, and sharing my life once more."

When I ascend to Godhood, my fate will be with Anann. This I swear.

Through the Looking Glass

It's interesting to flip back through my entries and see the journey from that sleepy village along the river to standing in the center of a Formorian-held Facility. All of that adventure summed up within a few pages of the written word.

This entry isn't much different. My part to play in the finale of our mortal lives was just one piece of a puzzle that hasnt yet been completed. There isn't much to say except that I still bolt awake at night now and scramble to find where I am ... if it's safe...

I'll go back a step or two.

Things were going terribly slow in the interview. Neither Ben nor Kelly were getting much headway into our job and another voice asking questions would make it worse so I invested myself in a excellent flash game. Soon enough, the song 'Always' embedded itself into my brain and I was whispering over Wuyi's shoulder as to how she could keep the unicorn from crashing when the sound of gunfire and screaming filtered into my awareness.

After that, the whole place kinda went tits over ass and naturally, the Band split off. Ben went to go rescue Tal. Again. The woman is like Daphne, from Scooby Doo. Wuyi, Kelly, and Rupper went to snag the Scion-To-Be.

Me? I went to shut that portal down.

I have to admit, it felt ... amazing ... to walk into a room and just own it. The space before the actual section with the portal was filled with guards and it took just one sentence. One! And they were dead, shot by their comrades and allies. It was a rush. Power is ... exhilarating. I held their lives in my hands and it was better than sex.

As they laid dead and dying, I chose quite a few to return to fight for me, to block the entrance and give me warning if Formorians approached. That covered, I stepped into the portal room. Looking back, I should have recuperated, or thought it through longer, but I had figured most of the facilities reinforcements had gone to fight the 'terrorist' attack.

I was right.

They had just left their shining blue general instead. They didn't see me at first, but barely a whisper of breath from me and he was on me. His grip was a vice on my wrist and his words were like writhing snakes in my mind. I knew it would break down any mental strength I had, but I chose what I wanted to sacrifice at that moment ...

... and it wasn't my Band...

They may drive me insane. I may think none of them are worth the time of day (besides Wuyi) but they're the only people I know and we needed this win.

It worked. He turned his attention away from the trouble outside, from the Scion he had been there to collect .. and he decided to go for me instead. It's an Irish thing. Pretty young maiden of the Tuatha ... handsome Formorian. It's like Greeks and incest. It's just going to happen.

Only trouble is, there wasn't any wooing. He just took it. Took me. This wasn't a seduction, this was a smash and grab job and by the end of it, every ... ounce of me wanted him. What little there was after all of our travels? Gone. It didn't matter. Father didn't matter. Wuyi didn't matter. Being alive didn't matter.
He mattered. Balor was what I lived for. He was what my body needed to thrive. He commanded and as his loving servant ... I obeyed. 

I know... gods... the past few journals have been... little more than angsty endevors into my 'life' but this... this monster had me quivering to please him. I'm just grateful he was more concerned about bringing me 'home' than seeing what the hell had upet his plans. That's... lovely, isn't it? And who says a pretty face can't change a war?

I joke now, but that pretty face? My pretty little face all tearstained and wide-eyed with blind devotion, with bruises on my wrist and my mind out of this world ... that sight was enough to shock me into reality again.
I didn't love him.

I loved... love Wuyi. I think I loved Anann. He was just some blue-skinned bastard who was in my way.  So I drew 'my love' down for a kiss and I put my all into it. I poured every passionately cruel thought I had towards what he'd just done and I slashed at his heel with the tidal current of my dagger.

It wasn't anything fancy. But it was enough to throw him off balance and back into the portal. He still held me but suddenly Wuyi's right there shouting my name and stabbing him with her spear. She also made a choice that day. She chose me. She chose me and I will never forget that.

We fled through the facility, running as the place came crashing down around us. I carried Wuyi up the stairs and did a slide under a Keeper. My long hair, one of my crowning glories, turned out to be a hinderence. As Wuyi cracked the floor under the Keeper, the thing grabbed onto my hair to keep from falling five stories. I didn't even need to scream ...Wuyi was there with the dagger, shearing off my hair. Then it just ... all flew by in a blur. Rupper was there and yet it was Balor asking me where we needed to go. We jumped out the building and down the wall and it's Balor standing there with a black eye and scratches on him asking us if we wanted a ride out.

He uses whatever voodoo he holds to transfer us into a crashed pile on top of a elegant bed in a bedroom that only European royalty could boast having. The librarian aspect is there, eyeing our damage... and then nothing. I just closed my eyes and waited for the day to be over.

When I had the chance, I avoided everyone, Anann included, and disappeared to head down to the poolside. I spent the first few hours in wrenching sobs about what happened at the portal. I resolved to never speak of it to anyone except Wuyi... and Anann, in time. And then I just... started to write. And write, and then continue writing. There, with my element surrounding me ... I wrote, well... this. The last hours have been nothing but retrospective knowledge and now it's time to claim my memories from Anann.

I'm ready to fill in the Missing Pieces.

((OOC Interlude))

I've been asked by a few people what I listen to when I'm getting into Rhiannon's mindset. Figured I'd throw up my playlist for her, a few are new additions thanks to Iry broadening my musical horizons.

Without further ado!

1.) The White Queen - Nox Arcana
2.) 100 Rounds The Bends - Missy Higgins
3.) Secret - Missy Higgins
4.) Steer - Missy Higgins
5.) Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse
6.) Desert Rose - Sting
7.) Long Road Out of Eden - Eagles
8.) Night Ride Across the Caucasus - Loreena McKennit
9.) The Old Ways - Loreena McKennit
10.) Rolling in the Deep - Adele
11.) Rev 2:20 - Puscifer
12.) Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley, Alison Krauss
13.) Love You - Jack Ingram
14.) Tie Up My Hands - Starsailor

The ones recently added thanks to Iry:

15.) I Will Follow You Into the Dark
16.) All I Ever Wanted - The Airborne Toxic Event
17.) Sometime Around Midnight - The Airborne Toxic Event.

There's actually more, but it's mostly instrumentals from soundtracks and Nox Arcana (I suggest checking them out, they're good!)

Keeping up with the Formorians pt. 1

You know, for the aspect known for her mind ... I'm sure the Morrigan wasn't thinking straight when she allowed Ben access to a credit card to buy whatever he wanted for our mission into the Keeper's Facility. Or when I got a hold of it for a new wardrobe.

Sure, I got the one suit ... and then paid for the rest of my purchases. Where did they go? I'll explain that in a moment. I intend to survive this and start wearing the thousand dollar suits again. You can't just fall back onto Walmart brands when your last cashmere scarf was as soft as a cloud.

Oh. Picked up a tablet too. Top of the line. After all was said and done and I was content, the librarian aspect (I have got to give the three names or it'll get awkward, I'll explain further down too.) showed up and arranged for the wardrobe I picked out to be sent 'somewhere safe' until our mission was complete. She then encrypted the tablet, took back the card, and headed off, managing to miss Wuyi's return by seconds.

I really hope she meant it when she said 'buy whatever you need'. We'll see!

I know, I know, Wuyi and I in a department store and we're not canoodling in the nearest booth? There's a reason. We fought. About the "sex curse" the Morrigan put on her because of whatever history was between them both.

Oh, and the obsession the woman has with me but that's... later. I'll go into that later when I get more answers. Where was I? Oh, yes! Shopping and discussing the sudden screeching halt on all sex-related fun times between Wuyi and myself. This is purely selfless. She doesn't want to sleep with Kelly, or hit on Tal. All right, there's a little bit in it for me. I don't want Wuyi sleeping with Kelly.

And it's because it's Kelly. Not because it's Wuyi sleeping with someone. Sex is sex. A curse isn't going to instantly make you fall in love with someone. However, give Kelly the right time of day and she'll take it wrong. And it'll blow up. Kelly doesn't deserve having false hope built up only to be crushed. Wuyi doesn't need that complexity. I don't need the drama.

We settled the geas issue with dialing it back to courting for now. I'll figure something out when it's no longer enough.

What else? Ah. Right. The Morrigan. Anann. Whoever. I took her offer. I swore to be devoted and faithful as long as she promised to never harm Wuyi. ... unfortunately a 'sex curse' doesn't count as harming. It's actually a boon. Wuyi's skills will be top-notch now.

Why did I agree? I look back and I can't... ugh. It was Rupper's fault. I may only have enough residual memory to fill a teaspoon but I had enough to stake my fucking claim when someone makes a move on what's mine. ...and that was totally creepy, but it's the truth. He moved in and I didn't want him to.

I thought I was happy with Wuyi and at first sign of trouble, I commit myself to another woman before her. I am a piece of work sometimes. I need to write the book on 'True Love: How to Show It". Fuck. Whatever.

Anann and Ben talk about the details of the 'How to Infiltrate the Formorian Base' plan while another one of her... the librarian that fuels every fetish of every schoolyard boy (and girl) strolled into view. She handed us the credit card, the passes to get into the base (reporters, clever.) and set up arrangements for the horses.

Afterwards, we all had three hours to do whatever. The Morrigan wanted to talk with Wuyi, and I needed to deliver the horses. Easy. Goddess, I only wish.

I couldn't... talk about it then, with Wuyi. Or to the others. Until the world ends again, all they'll know is that I went to drop off the horses and I want it to stay that way. I don't... it's... fuck. Hard to type. Give me another death in the family. At least I can pass the anger off to someone else. Blame someone else.

I screwed up a few days ago with the Smiling Man. I foolishly made a deal with him that was terribly lop-sided in his favor. He just gives off a dangerous aura, but I wasn't thinking straight.

He came to collect. After I dropped Fabio off.

There wasn't anything physically troubling. He was as 'charming' as always. But I don't think he was going to take 'now's not the time' for the answer again. I panicked. I tried to stall for time but it was useless. Who the hell would know where I even was?

Sex is sex. It's a natural itch to scratch and that's never bothered me until now, when I'm faced with going through the motions with someone who terrifies me with what he could do.

Then I noticed the birds. Ravens. Crows. I can't tell the difference. They started gathering more and more around me. Around him. And then? Then they attacked. three dozen crows pecking at eye and skin is a disturbing sight but they scared him off. One of them, the largest, most elegant looking one ... locked gazes with me.

I don't know what to think. Wuyi swears she's crazy, and a stalker, but she just saved me from a very unpleasant experience. Add that in with Wuyi ranting up and down about how the Morrigan said she and I were meant to be together, that we lasted the ages ... I don't know.

It's confusing and I have literally nothing to go on but the spur of the moment. The here and now. And I'm not sure I want to keep going on empty. I need my memories back.

...

I need to talk to Anann. I'll record the events in the facility when that's done.