I hate fighting with myself.
No. I don't mean battling it out with my conscience. I don't mean trying to stifle that voice in the back of my head as I overindulge on one sin or another.
I mean honest fighting. Low voices that cut like razors to make sure the girls don't wake up as we square off in the mansion. I'm the patient aspect and even I sneer my lip when I see one of the other two. We're not divided like Anann. There's no actual separation of women here. It's all window dressing, shifts of dominant personality types to make us seem like we're different when we're still the exact same person.
And right now, I don't like who I see in the mirror. Down the hall. Crooning to the children. Cuddled up tight on the couch. It would be easier if I was still one physical aspect. That way I could avoid catching my own eyes and feeling the shame bubble up inside.
It will fade. Soon. The Morrigan may be the highest maintenance spouse to ever exist... Seriously, spiders in my shower when I let the water heater run out on one of her showers ... not that I did so deliberately to hear her shriek. Look, she married the sidhe, she's supposed to deal with whimsical acts of torture and merriment. It was in our contract.
Gods.
Look, where was I? Oh. Right. She's a pain in my ass ... but she's there when it counts with a variant of tough love and bolstering my reassurances by inviting over Welsh Princesses with huge (fake) breasts and proceeding to fawn over me instead, only giving our guest the proper amount of hospitality. She also did it because when I'm jealous, she gets laid.
I've mentioned that she's very self-serving, right?
Anyway. I'm still trying to process what happened right after the Keepers ... ugh. The Formorians -- damn it. They have me calling them by their whitewashed name now. The FORMORIANS shattered the dreamscape, throwing all of us back into reality. Right when we promised to give Hypnos a seed to symbolize our apologies for the insanity we pulled back in Hades.
Rhia was thrust back into the fight, and while we ... I ... experience everything at once, I can tune out when something's distracting me from trying to survive. Sorta. It's a jumbled, chaotic mess until I can sit down and focus. I ... well, the 'middle sister' was thrust back to the mansion.
I had fallen asleep on the way to the kitchen. I was fetching something and Anann had been by my side commenting on one auction or another. At least shag carpeting was soft. Anann was still in the process of waking up when I realized that the girls were unattended.
Dream have a way of distorting reality. I had hoped that we'd been asleep for only a couple of hours. I was wrong. Two weeks had passed by. Two weeks of the girls without their mothers. Fifteen of us, the girls visited early so they would have the best chance at survival ... and Hypnos finds the way to ruin us all.
That's why I'm eternally grateful to Da. I found him watching over the girls, that comforting scent of sea and ranch rushing over me as I thank him over and over again. That act right there (minus leaving me on the floor to 'accidently' step on... stupid fey.) washes away Hypnos' fantasy of Fand becoming the perfect mother.
I don't need to write down what Anann and I did. That's just assumed at this point. Like breathing. Or ... y'know... no, yeah. I have to breathe and I have to pounce Anann. Two integral needs of my existence.
Speaking of needing to breathe. Excuse me.
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